I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
