also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize