i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
