Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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