using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The air taste purple.
Randomize
