Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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