the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
