I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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