I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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