More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
