census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
