Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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