Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize