I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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