mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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