Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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