you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
