I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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