i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
FUCK WHALES
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
