i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
