someone owes me an orgasm
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
