my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
