Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
