May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
