I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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