When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
