She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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