TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
