I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
