1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
