So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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