Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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