Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
