I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
