I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
