Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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