my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
