i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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