I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
