I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
