oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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