I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
