I wish my penis had an off switch
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize