seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
