Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
