onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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