I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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