I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
