My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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