she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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