You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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