I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
