Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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