Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
