If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize