Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
