I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
